My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
