I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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