If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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