Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
