please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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