Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
