Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
