I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
