im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
