Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
