Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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