guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
