Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
