I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
