Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
