I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
