I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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