apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
