So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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