Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
