I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
