Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
