this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
