Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
