If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
