I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
