So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
