My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
