I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
