Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is wine microwaveable?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
