I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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