if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
