I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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