that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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