I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's always time for handjobs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
