Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
