I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
