I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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