when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
