i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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