Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
