i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
