the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
