Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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