I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't turn off my feet"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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