My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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