So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
