I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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