If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
