I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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