Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
