don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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