Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
