Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
