Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
