dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
