When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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