It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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