all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
