Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
