i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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