Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My feet surprised me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
